I watch The Terminator for the first time

Warning: Contains all the spoilers.

What I think the movies is about: Arnold Schwarzenegger is The Terminator. The terminator is a machine that kills people. Or wait, that’s Transformers? He is almost defeated, but at the end of the movie, he gets out of there. But he also leaves a hint that he’ll be back when he says “I’ll be back.”

Ooh it’s a James Cameron film! I don’t know who that is.

Okay so they kind of give the entire movie away right at the beginning...

There’s a space craft….is this a space movie?  Oh no. A machine. I guess a space craft is a machine. Lasers! Smoke! Dead Skulls!

So I was right about the machine thing.

Boring credits. Very slow and repetitive. Not a good sign.

Ok first scene. Here we are at a digging site. There’s a tractor.  Something fishy is going on. More specifically, lightning enveloping the tractor. Driver does not seem too phased.

 

 

Arnold is naked and very chiseled. Also very young. He is walking to the edge of the parking structure (?) to look at the city.

 

A bunch of punks with cool hair are messing with a telescope like a bunch of badasses. They want to bully the giant naked man with giant muscles. I wonder who will win?
 

THEY HAVE KNIVES! THEY’RE GONNA RUMBLE!

Arnold pulls out one of the punks’ hearts, obviously. Other guy takes off his jacket to try to defend himself? Not sure the reasoning behind that.

 

More lightnning. Everyone seems kind of like “ah, it’s too bright” but no one seems *worried*. The lightening produces another naked man. Not as buff as Arnold.

Morgan just walked in and said “This movie’s so good.” So I feel hopeful, yet also strangely skeptical.

“What day is it?” “Thursday” “WHAT YEAR!?” Classic time travel line. Now second lightning guy is running from the cops, putting on clothes. Not sure what’s happening but if I had to guess I’d say he’s chasing Arnold Schwarzenegger’s character to try to capture him and bring him back (aka forward) to his time period. Am I right? Am I right?

Ooh a girl! She’s so beautiful! She’s riding a little scooter! I want one! That’s awesome. She locks it up with a bike lock but it doesn’t seem too secure…And she tells a giant statue to guard it for her…which also doesn’t seem secure, but shows how quirky she is.

HER NAME IS SARAH LIKE ME!!!!!

Arnold breaks a car window and starts the car with his fingers? (‘cause he’s a machine)

Sarah works at a diner and makes working at a restaurant seem stressful. Kid puts a ball of ice cream in her dress pocket! Lololololol

So much is happening in this movie I don’t think I can write about everything. I think Arnold just killed the gun shop clerk but I can’t be sure. He will just destroy everything in his way, including tiny toy trucks.

He is going to kill every Sarah Connor in the city.

Maybe Sarah is the mom of that younger lightning guy in the future and Arnold is….their enemy? Maybe she turned Arnold into a machine and he hates her now.

Back to the space ship scene. It’s a war. A laser war. This is like Star Wars if Star Wars took place on Earth? JK Never seen Star Wars.

The lasers are pretty and remind me of a music festival. Except that they pulverize anything they come into contact with. Music is very suspenseful.

Ok back to present reality, it was all just a dream. Or memory. Or whatever.

Sarah is super cute and innocent which is proven by her Flintstones T-shirt. Omg it's a nightgown.

The detectives are on the case!

Sarah has an iguana as a pet. Strategic choice? Or random quirk?

Uh oh. Sarah Connor #2 DONE & DEAD

Sarah goes into a night club and asks if they "have a phone"? Not a thing. 

Sarah’s roommate’s regularly-sized boyfriend just said to Arnold Schwarzenegger “Don’t make me bust you up man.” All the guys in this movie seem very confident about their strength and fighting ability.

Arnold kills Sarah’s roommate and then, whoops, Sarah calls and leaves a voicemail on out loud voicemail machine (see picture below) (google says it's called an "answering machine") accidentally telling Arnold Schwarzenegger exactly where she is. 

Arnold found Sarah but the second lightning guy found Arnold!! Slow Motion Warfare!!!!Everyone in the club dies. Just kidding, no one is hurt and they all run out in time. Hey, it’s the 80s!

“Come with me if you want to live.” This is also an iconic movie line! I didn’t know it was from this movie!

Car chase scene!

I feel like this movie is a much more intense version of Back to the Future.

Oh he IS a machine that’s built to kill people! (Officially).  I don’t even need to watch these movies!

“I’m not stupid. I know they can’t make things like that yet” –Sarah Connor

“Not Yet. But in about 40 years” – Lightening Man.

First of all, 40 years is not a lot at all.

1984 + 40 = 2024 so we’re getting close guys! Only 8 years to go. Maybe this is like a Trump Dystopia? Luckily they also invented time travel, so there’s hope. But let’s be real, this Lightning guy doesn’t even have a smart phone and he’s not saying anything about the Internet.

Ok so Sarah Connor’s son is the only one who can fight the terminators. That’s why she has to die.

Car chase #2

Oh he’s from 2027 so we have like 10-11 years to go. *Note: in the beginning it says 2029, so all the dates are off.

Lightning man is trying to explain himself and he just keeps saying words that I have no idea what they mean.

OMG gross I do not want to see Arnold Schwarzenegger half man/half machine do surgery on his own eyeball with an exacto knife. NO THANK YOU. He likes how he looks without an eyeball and also with those iconic sunglasses. He’s kind of like a grumpier version (if possible) of 7 of 9.

“I’LL BE BACK” He said it! He said it! Not at ALL what I was expecting!! 

This man machine is costing the city a lot of money.

Fight scene!

The Terminator is very aptly named. He terminates eeeeeeeeeverything.

Are Sarah and Lightening Guy gonna hook up? Is Lightning Guy in love with Sarah’s son? What’s the relationship here?

OMG HE’S THE FATHER. EWWW WEIRD He went back in time to have sex with that girl to make the son to kill the terminators THIS IS WEIRD. I do not like it.

Ok Sarah and Lightning Boy are in a hotel room together talking about their feelings. They are for sure gonna bone like, so soon.

YEP Knew it. They are making out to boring piano music.

Now they are full on doing it.

Terminator is on the move. Music is a mix between video game and banging on the electric piano keyboard.

Car chase #3

Lightning man is dead maybe? Arnold looking more like a borg man every second.

Everything is on fire.

Arnold is still alive, but barely. No one tries to save him. He dies, tragically, and will not be back.

Lightning man is alive somehow?? His name is Kyle, which is a fact I let slip before. I wonder if they thought that was a “futuristic” name in 1984.

Also, the terminator is actually back, and will always be back. He is no longer man/machine, but just machine. He appears to have a limp.

The love birds hide in a room with lots of machines. Terminator has trouble breaking down what appears to be an aluminum door. Kyle turns all the machines on to distract Terminator, who loves machines. Plan did not work. He finds them easily.

Kyle blows Terminator up!!!!! He really won’t be back now!!! Or will he?

Kyle is officially dead.

TERMINATOR IS ALIVE!!!!!!! HE WILL ALWAYS BE BACK! DO NOT LET HIS DISMEMBERED PARTS FOOL YOU!!!!

“You’re terminated, fucker.” Why isn’t this the iconic line from the movie?

The Terminator is crushed with heavy thing and lightening. His red eyes go out, meaning he is now terminated for real. Maybe. Honestly I don’t trust anyone or anything anymore.

Okay. Weird final scene with this little boy saying "please buy my photo of you or my dad will beat me." 

Turns out it was actually a love story this whole time. THE END.